Hello, Welcome, What to Expect, and Part I: Getting There

This is the beginning of the WagTheBlog blog. Welcome to all. My goal is to provide entertaining and funny posts. Most posts will mostly focus on everyday things that frustrate me and politics. Often, those two are the same thing. But, to start things off, I'm going to tell you the story of my recent trip abroad. A four part series, I expect. A mini-series, if you will. Whatever happened to the mini-series, by the way? Those were always "Huge Television Events" about lonely women, starring washed-ups and never-has-beens that were sponsored by feminine products.

Anyway, Part I: "Getting There"

I recently took a long - for Americans - vacation, 10 days, in Central America. Mostly, we went spent our time in Guatemala. As usual, getting there was half the fun, or not. We planned to fly into Cancun, grab a bus to Playa del Carmen, stay there a day, take another bus (or two) to Belize, stay there a couple of days, and then grab another bus (and a boat) to Puerto Barrios, Guatemala. As they say, "the best laid plans . . . "

We flew into Houston to connect to Cancun. Our scheduled layover was about 4 hours. But we noticed a connecting flight that left 3 hours before our scheduled one. So, we went to the gate and luckily enough grabbed standby seats. We were lucky because there were seats, but more importantly, we didn't have to pay extra. Apparently the airlines now charge you $75 to standby for an earlier flight. But we had booked our tickets 5 days before that rule went into effect. Ca-Ching! So, we'd save $150 AND get into Mexico 3 hours early.

But the plane hadn't arrived at the gate when it should have. So, we waited. I perused the iPod vending machine, then searched my backpack for something to do. I realized I had forgotten my Spanish phrase book. D'oh! A week earlier I spent about an hour in a bookstore trying to pick out the right phrasebook. Had to be small enough and light enough; had to be easy; and, of course, it had to be useful. I knew how to ask where the library and bathroom were, but not how to ask if there was reading material in the bathroom. Also, I wanted to make sure I had the proper pronunciation so when asking where to find the hookers I didn't accidentally ask where to find the local church.

Apparently, I lacked the skills necessary to distinguish between a good phrasebook and a bad one. So I asked Sarah, the clerk. I gave her 3 books I thought looked good. She made up some story about how great one of the books was and how she always used that brand when she traveled. I guess I only needed an excuse to buy one of them, and that was good enough. $13 dollars later I had the perfect phrasebook recommended by Sarah. It even came with a CD! Which I never would use, but it made me feel more confident that I was getting my full 13 dollars' worth.

I turned to my wife, "Fuck. I forgot the phrasebook. Crap. I also forgot the Lonely Planet book for Guatemala." She replied, as usual, "You're an idiot. Glad you spent 13 bucks on it." Oh well, I thought, it'd just make the trip more of an adventure. But half the fun the last time I had traveled to a foreign country was working with the language and trying to get by. Essential to that, though, was having some crutch like a phrasebook. I was screwed. Though not completely. I had taken the time to download 30 episodes of Coffee Break Spanish from iTunes.

I promptly plugged in and listened to two Scotts try to teach me Spanish in 15 minute episodes. This was not going to help.